#Transwoman: #Transgender lost between #Love & Acceptance
Lots to learn in my new "roles" - much to enjoy, as well.
Recently found myself mired in that classic feminine paradox...remaining aware of the monumental difference between appearing "pretty" - and being beautiful.
With all my preparations, personal efforts - even financial investments into my "appearance" - I lost my ability to distinguish between appearing "pretty" and being "beautiful". In fairness, "transition" aggravates one's ability to maintain distinction among these words.
Why's it so hard? We reside in a society that teaches genetic females that being "pretty" is what being female - is all about. They're both directly & subliminally reminded..."If you're pretty?" You'll be loved.
For a transsexual? It's even worse. Since we're challenged by the process of gender unification - we must first win the battle of being tolerated for "who we are"...never mind that longing to be loved. We must be prettier - more feminine - to "fit in". We get that added dimension..."If we're pretty?" We'll be accepted.
And this prerequisite is not just a condition of society in general - the transgender "community" is even worse. Most tranny's select friends and judge gals almost exclusively by their feminine presentation. Thus, new gals are reminded from the get go - get "pretty" - or get lost.
I pretty much steered clear of these shenanigans early on - but as I became mired in surgical "adjustments" to effect my changes - found myself qualifying my beauty as a human being based upon my appearance. Every time I looked in the mirror - all I could see was what wasn't pretty. Felt ugly...no matter what I "saw".
Thus, somewhere in the middle of wanting to be loved & hoping to be accepted - I lost sight of the fact that appearing "pretty" has little or nothing to do with my beauty as a human being. My situation was aggravated by isolation & a lack of family - nobody was around to remind me I was a beautiful person - and that mattered most. Thus, I became "ugly" in my actions & focus.
I remain committed to becoming prettier & more skilled in my feminine appearance & presentation. I'll celebrate my progress in this regard. But I'll do my best to remember - my beauty is judged by how I affect myself and this world in a positive & caring manner. In other words...how well I "love".
Wish I could take credit for this beautiful "insight" - but the accolade belongs to another.
While recently visiting Atlanta and scouring about my belongings buried in storage - located a favorite photo of my deceased mother. That woman defined what being "beautiful" as a person - was all about. Having her "near me" once again - reestablished my bearings on beauty.
"Thanks, mom." Sorry I forgot this most basic tenant of life, living - and "being" a beautiful woman. It's hard at times...being ugly, yet trying to remain beautiful...ya know?
I really miss you. Please hug everybody up "there" for me. I'll see ya'll before too long - just not quite yet. Sadly, got lots more work to do on "being" beautiful - so that I can eventually...get a decent pair of those "wings".